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Wednesday, October 19, 2005 

Poof! There goes my dignity.


I use Old Spice High Endurance bar soap. I like it. It works. It's cheap, it smells good, and it goes with the Old Spice deodorant, Old Spice shaving cream, Old Spice razor, Old Spice...well, you get the picture. So earlier this week, my wife and I made our regular trek to the local Wal Mart, with the intention of buying a few groceries and of course, restocking my Old Spice shit.

When we got there, I noticed almost immediately that my soap was not in its usual place. I spent about ten minutes walking up & down the soap aisle, thinking maybe I had just overlooked it. Finally, I found an employee stocking items in the next aisle, and asked where I could find the Old Spice High Endurance bar soap.

"We don't carry that anymore!" She said it with a smile.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I had been using this soap for quite a few years now, and Wal Mart no longer carried it? Sure, I could use one of those girly soaps - the ones that, no matter how much you rinse, leave you feeling like you have a layer of slick soapscum all over. No thanks. I could switch to Irish Spring, but I'm Scottish, so I don't know how that would work out. I don't feeling like singing in the shower or any shit like that, so that leaves out the Zest. No, I wanted my Old Spice High Endurance bar soap.

"Do you have any Old Spice alternatives?" I asked, considering a switch to a different flavor of Old Spice.

"Yes! It's right here." She stood on her tiptoes while reaching for a bottle - yes, I said bottle - of Old Spice High Endurance (prepare yourself) body wash. Now, you have to understand a few things about me: I'm a guy. I drink beer, shoot guns and drive an SUV. I don't watch Oprah, I don't need (or want) an extreme makeover and I sure as hell don't use 'body wash'. As I pondered my options, my wife suggested that I should at least try it, seeing as how it WAS Old Spice, after all.

With a furrow in my brow, I reluctantly agreed.

The next morning, I woke up and jumped in the shower. After I lathered my hair up with shampoo (Pert Plus, if you really wanted to know), I reached for the bottle of 'body wash'. I examined the bright red container, trying to prepare myself for what was to come. Realizing that if I didn't just hurry up and get it over with that I would end up walking around smelling funny all day, I grabbed a rag, squirted the blue gel on it and got to scrubbing.

It didn't take long before I realized that all that was happening was the gel was spreading thinly over my skin. There were no manly hoards of bubbles, marching down my arms, showing me that SOMETHING was happening - my skin was getting clean and didn't just 'smell good'.

So, I did what any man in my situation would do. I squirted more on the rag, and attempted to work up a lather. This time, the evil blue gel just smeared over the rag.

"Babe?" I needed the advice of my wife. I figured that she would be able to tell me what the hell I was doing wrong.

"You're doing it wrong." She said it in her helpful voice, but the smile that spanned her face said she was thinking something other than being helpful. "You have to use a poof!"

Ah shit.

"What the hell is a poof?" I asked. She reached into the shower, and produced a small, lace-ball hanging by a string from the shower head. Until that point, I thought it was some kind of shower decoration.

"It will help exfoliate your skin," she advised as she placed the devil-lace-ball into my hand.

Folx, when future civilizations come across the remains of our society, they will eventually come to the conclusion that the destruction of America - the one we know and love today - began with 'the poof'. 'The poof' embodies all that is wrong with society when it comes to de-emasculating our men. My Gramps never would have even thought of the possibility of using 'the poof' (or body wash, for that matter).

To the men of America, I realize that some of you enjoy "exfoliating". What you do in the privacy of your own home is completely up to you. I don't really give a rat's red ass. But PLEASE, don't force your fucked up preferences on me. It really isn't cool - not even a little.

To the more manlier of our species, I call upon you to rise up and save your country. This is an issue that directly affects your ability to see the world logically. It leads to harder vices, such as facials and manicures and other estrogen-building activities.

Do it for your children, and for your children's children. Do it for your country. Show your patriotic side and exercise your right to free speech by picketing your local Wal Mart. Force them to cave under the pressure of the ideals that made this Country the Great Nation it once was. Besides, it gives you a great excuse for getting together with other like-minded, manly men and having a tailgate party.

We can win this one, if we just hang in there and FIGHT!

TheGeek

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AHahahaha, that cracked me up. Body wash isn't that bad and works well with a little poofy sponge thingie. Come on, you know you wanna try one of those!

P.S. much better viewing now that you changed those ads! Yay!

This was just hilarious. Thanks for making my day. There was a time where every shopping basket inside the chain of Bath and Body Works stores had a pre-loaded poof. You had to take it out before you went to the counter. They were all about the forced poofing.

I like Old Spice. But it was the preferred scent of her ex. So no go.

As tongue in cheek as this may be, I think you're right.

Poofs are not just for decoration? Get outta here!!

Using a poof in the shower?

What will the neighbours say?

This was a funny post. You should have won that Battle of the Blogs hands down...

(Although I've come to the conclusion that Battle of the Blogs is decided by fools who don't even visit the blogs, but I digress)

Does it get a lather when you use the poof? I've always wondered that. (And now I know what that thing my wife has hanging in the shower is... too... I always thought it was a "spounge")

i feel your pain --- hillarious post

Lol. cmon poof's aren't really that bad. I know a guy who loves using them. Well, he's only 12 yrs old...so maybe thats why.

Toooo Funny. I had a flash back to when I was first given Old Spice in Navy Boot Camp. It was part of our issue of clothes and supplies. You get over any shyness the first time you take a shower with 50 other guys. Imagine how funny it would be today seeing all of those guys with there Navy issue Old Spice Body Wash and their Navy issue poofies. You are right......Its the down fall of America as we know it. Its never the big things that take you down....Its the little things you have to watch out for.....like poofies.

Hilarious. I had that same poof experience. Felt like someone was scrubbing my skin with sandpaper. I quickly went back for the bar of irish Spring....cause I am part irish. cheers.

raff

That was very funny and well written.

i love this story no one tells it like you and it gets funnier every time i hear it !

I call the "poof" a "floofy". The body wash really does get you cleaner and smelling better, which makes women like you more which is what most men are trying to accomplish... right?

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